Life and Hiatuses

I took my blog down a few months ago.  There were so many things happening for us that I didn’t feel I could share publicly.  It just felt wrong to keep up a blog that couldn’t be honest.

And so I took a hiatus from writing.  It’s been lonely.

And now there is a new hiatus happening for everyone.  A hiatus from the world we know to experiencing life through social distancing, self-isolation, quarantines, the absence of physical presence and touch.  It’s lonely.

So many of us have adjusted in a very short period of time so that we can still remain connected through video – if I can’t touch you I can at least see you.  It helps.  A bit.

As a spouse to someone with dissociative identity disorder I struggle with my own mental health.  Always.  Sometimes more so than other times.  There are alters that would prefer to not be married and I feel like I am in constant negotiations with them as to how we can co-exist as a system, both their internal DID system but also the external system that is our family.  When the part that I married is present, I find I remain tense and on alert for the inevitable switch where he is replaced by a different part.  The constant unknown can only be managed by keeping my mind busy.  Quiet, solitude, and time create a vaccuum where the questions and “what if’s” race to fill the empty space.  I work super hard to keep the space occupied.

The stress of this new world full of its own unknowns can’t help but occupy our thoughts, no matter how busy we try to keep ourselves.  It strikes me how compounded this must be for my husband as each of his parts must also be trying to figure things out and worrying about what is come.

In my home we will continue to face one day at a time and figure it out as we go along.  I don’t know about tomorrow but we’ll embrace what might be possible for today.  Remembering that these three remain:  faith, hope and love – and that the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

May you experience the peace the surpasses human understanding.  Phillipians 4:7


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